News from the Tennessee Valley Columnists


‘Expert’ provides Iron Bowl analysis

Though I'm no sports writer, my 1˝ years at a weekly newspaper — covering a high school football team with a 1-9 record — make me an expert on losing.

So I'm here to offer an analysis on Alabama's loss to Auburn.

First, let's examine the positive.

Nobody died.

Vanderbilt beat Tennessee.

Now let's study the negative.

Bama needs a new coach.

This Mike Shula guy has had plenty of time to go undefeated, win a national championship and make us forget about the Bear. Alabama fans measure time in dog years and 21 is long enough.

Shula got outsmarted in the Iron Bowl.

Tommy Tuberville is a genius for hiring people who make somebody as dumb as Tommy Tuberville look smart.

He showed that genius by not emptying the bench until the fourth quarter. If he had messed up and played the fourth string for the entire game, Alabama's offense might have exploded for 3 more points.

If Alabama had scored 3 more points — and a Boeing 727 headed from Dallas to Atlanta had crashed into Auburn offensive coordinator Al Borges — Alabama might have won.

And what about Auburn's defensive line, which sacked quarterback Brodie Croyle 111,513 times?

By watching the post-game show, it became clear that Auburn linemen cheated.

NCAA Game Regulation No. 1,138 clearly states that "defensive linemen must count five Mississippis before rushing the passer."

On most plays, Croyle was lying on his you-know-what before his offensive linemen could get off their you-know-whats. You can't tell me Auburn counted five Mississippis.

The worst offender was that fellow in the tinted windshield who had pieces of rope growing out of his head. This may sound like sour grapes, but didn't we outlaw tinted windshields in the state of Alabama?

After several weeks of no offense, Alabama needed a new strategy heading into the Auburn game.

The ideal offense would lean on the Crimson Tide's offensive strengths, incorporating a balance of run-pass plays that do not require blocking.

For example, put running back Ken Darby at center. Tell him to pick up the ball and take off running before somebody kills him. If the referees charge him with illegal procedure, he could argue self-defense.

And since nobody from Tuscaloosa but the ball boy and a guy on crutches is capable of catching the pigskin, Croyle could throw it to himself and take off running before somebody kills him. That would increase his completion percentage and reduce the number of sacks.

The linemen could just stand around and watch, which would not require a change to the overall blocking scheme.

Scott Morris Scott Morris
DAILY City Editor

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