News from the Tennessee Valley Columnists


Caleb and Henry face their worst fears

If Caleb and Henry ever appear on "Fear Factor," they should be forced to eat vegetables.

They would give up in a flash, according to their health-conscious sister Addi.

She is correct about their irrational fear of vegetables.

To win, contestants on "Fear Factor" perform scary, creepy or nauseating feats.

We can see our boys diving off a burning building into a frigid pool of ice water, but we can't picture them eating broccoli and cauliflower.

We can imagine them rolling around in a barrel full of roaches, but can't fathom them facing a plate of English peas.

We can conceive of them letting a pack of junkyard dogs attack them, but can't see them surviving a tomato sandwich.

They would run, screaming in horror, from the TV studio.

"Fear Factor" warns the TV audience that the stunts are designed and supervised by trained professionals. They are extremely dangerous and should not be attempted by anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Caleb and Henry might add, "Folks, don't try these vegetables at home!"

Addi routinely turns up her nose in disgust at the sedentary lifestyles of the Couch Potato Twins. She is repulsed by their lack of hygiene, their diets and pretty much anything else that defines them as the uncivilized males that they are.

Like a football coach with a megaphone, she yells at them to get off their you-know-whats and get some exercise.

They usually ignore her, but on occasion she has shamed them into action.

Caleb is up to about 18 miles on our bicycle rides. Henry can do 10, if it includes a stop at Gregg's Texaco for a Dr. Pepper.

And it was a close call, but Caleb recently survived a leaf of lettuce hidden in a chicken sandwich.

If left to themselves, however, the boys would exist on video games, barbecue potato chips, sausage pizza, Chicken Fries, doughnuts and any product that contains cheese. They would sit in front of the TV all day, only moving to scratch or grunt.

Bob the Tomato, Larry the Cucumber and other characters from VeggieTales cartoons are the only vegetables that the boys will tolerate.

To overcome their lachanophobia, the boys will some day have to face their worst fears.

When that day comes, they can take comfort in knowing that Big Sister will be there for support, bearing a bowl of spinach salad and flashing a sadistic smile.

Scott Morris Scott Morris
DAILY City Editor

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