News from the Tennessee Valley Columnists


Draft, O.J., leftovers and war on Christmas

Some folks are born silver spoon in hand,
Lord, don’t they help themselves ...
It ain’t me, it ain’t me,
I ain’t no fortunate son.
— Creedence Clearwater Revival

President Bush finally got deployed to Vietnam.

Our commander in chief flew recently into the heart of the commie hornet’s nest without a single thought for his personal safety.

“Vietnam is an exciting place,” the president said.

In all the excitement of finally being in Vietnam, it’s a wonder he didn’t declare victory right there in front of Ho Chi Minh’s statue.

President Bush was there to help us cash in on Vietnam’s booming economy. He said the U.S. relationship with its former enemy improved for the good over time, which might be interpreted as “after we left.”

Sometimes patience is the best foreign policy.

On another matter, is anyone but me wondering whether O.J. Simpson meant to put “If” in the title of his new book?

Let’s just hope there isn’t a sequel: “Oops, If I Did It Again.”

Fox, the fair and balanced guardian of family values, has decided that publishing and promoting O.J. might not be such a good idea after all.

And the Juice concedes that he took “blood money” for the project, but says he was just trying to help his children. What a guy.

Do you get that queasy, bloated feeling every time you see leftover turkey?

We’re not talking about Thanksgiving leftovers. We’re talking Election Day turkeys, the kind whose campaign signs still litter our roadways three weeks after the vote.

Come on, candidates, pick up your signs before they start stinking and growing fuzzy green stuff.

Yes, Thanksgiving has passed and now we’re in that mad dash to the holidays.

Scratch “holidays” and make that “Christmas.”

That’s because Wal-Mart has put Christ back into Christmas. After facing boycotts last year for omitting any religious reference in holiday promotions, Wal-Mart executives decided that Jesus is just all right with them.

The lesson here?

Trying to make everybody happy is the best way to make everybody mad. If these super stores truly want to make everybody happy, they should evaluate their checkout system. Why do they have four dozen checkout lanes with only two open?

Scott Morris Scott Morris
DAILY City Editor

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