News from the Tennessee Valley Columnists
SUNDAY, JUNE 17, 2007
STEVE STEWART | COLUMNISTS | HOME | ARCHIVES

YOU DON'T SAY
Steve Stewart

Some skies both friendly and funny

Instructions came from the flight attendant as the United Airlines jet prepared to head for Chicago.

As usual, reports Eric Fleischauer, passengers ignored her as she rattled off the memorized, monotone routine.

Then people started snickering.

After introducing the pilots, she noted, “They’ve decided to fly from the front today.” She reported with excitement that the destination was the Bahamas, then stopped. “Oh, I’m sorry, to Chicago, I guess.”

The obligatory seat-belt instructions came out but then, without breaking stride: “If any of you had any problem with that concept, you probably should not have been allowed out of your house unsupervised.”

Step outside to smoke

The flight attendant pointed to the exits, explaining that “while there are 50 ways to leave a lover, there are only four ways to leave this plane.”

By this time, passengers were howling, any pre-flight anxiety forgotten.

The seat cushions were available as life preservers, she said. In the unlikely event of a water landing, passengers could “keep the cushions with our compliments. You might be able to sell them on eBay.”

Federal Aviation Administration regulations prohibit smoking on the plane, she said. “If you have a nicotine fit, I’ll direct you to the smoking lounge. It’s located on the wing.”

After her deadpan spiel, passengers agreed the performance was worth the ticket price.

Should’ve done it

Reporter Seth Burkett, who tries to make his direct quotes accurate and realistic, says the English language needs a few double contractions, including the following:

  • We’d’ve, meaning “we would have.”
  • I’d’ve, meaning “I would have.”
  • Send stories for You Don’t Say to steve@decaturdaily .com, or call Weekend Editor Steve Stewart at 340-2444. Or write P.O. Box 2213, Decatur, AL 35609. Daily staff members contribute many of the items you see here. This column appears Sundays and Wednesdays.

    Steve Stewart Steve Stewart
    DAILY Weekend Editor

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